We Are More Than Our Past

How much of what we believe about ourselves comes from
things we never chose?

The family we were born into. The circumstances in which we
grew up. The expectations placed on us. The decisions made by people before us.

Before we begin making conscious choices about our lives, we
have already absorbed so much about how the world works and where we fit into
it.

I have been thinking about this a lot lately. My own
experiences in South Africa give me a personal connection to these questions,
although I believe they are relevant wherever we live.

When I listen to conversations about our country and its
future, I am struck by how often we return to the past.

That history matters. Even when we did not personally live
through particular events, their consequences can still affect our lives.

These conversations bring me back to a question that applies
to our personal lives, our workplaces and our communities. How do we
acknowledge what came before us while allowing ourselves to imagine and work
towards something different?

I really believe we are more than our past. I also know that saying this is easier than living it.

Our experiences have consequences. They can affect our confidence, our relationships and our willingness to try something unfamiliar. They can influence what we expect from other people and what we believe we deserve.

We cannot simply decide that none of this matters anymore, because it does matter.

But I wonder how often we allow what has happened to become the final word on what is possible for us.

What have we come to believe?

There is a difference between recognising that an experience
has shaped us and believing that it has permanently decided who we are.

We might say, “I’ve never been confident,” or “People
like me don’t get those opportunities,” or “There’s no point in speaking
up.” 

There may be understandable reasons behind those statements.
Perhaps we were criticised when we tried. Perhaps opportunities were limited.
Perhaps speaking up was discouraged or even carried consequences. 

I think those reasons deserve to be understood. But I do not
believe we have to accept, without question, that this is how life will always
be. 

When we feel ready, we can begin asking: “Is this belief still true in every situation?” “What am I
expecting to happen?” “Have things changed?” “What would help me explore a
different possibility?” 

We may discover that a belief once helped us cope but now
restricts us. We may also find that a barrier is still very real and that we
need support to address it. 

Either way, questioning gives us a chance to understand our
situation more clearly and consider what choices we have now. 

Taking responsibility without taking the blame

This is an important distinction for me. 

Taking responsibility is not the same as accepting blame. 

We are not always responsible for what has happened to us.
We may have had very little say in the circumstances we inherited or the
decisions that affected our lives. 

I would not want the idea of personal responsibility to
become another burden placed on someone who is already carrying a great deal. 

Yet I believe there is value in exploring the choices
available to us now. 

What can I influence? What do I need help with? What am I
able to do differently? 

The answers will vary from person to person. Sometimes there
is room for a significant change. Sometimes the next step is small. Sometimes
it is asking for help, setting a boundary or recognising that we cannot keep
managing something on our own. 

Responsibility also means being honest about our limits. We
do not have to pretend we have control over everything in order to take
ownership of something. 

For me, this is an important part of living: making space to
understand the past while exploring the possibilities ahead. 

What do we carry forward?

I also think about what we inherit from previous
generations. 

Many people worked hard, made sacrifices and did the best
they could with what they knew and what was available to them. We may owe them
a great deal. 

We can appreciate those contributions and still reflect on
the beliefs and expectations we have inherited. 

Perhaps we learned perseverance but also learned to keep
going long after we needed rest. Perhaps we learned to respect others but found
it difficult to question them. Perhaps we learned the value of hard work but
began to measure our worth only by how much we could do. 

There can be something valuable in what we were taught,
alongside something we need to reconsider. 

If we continue to let the expectations and beliefs of the
past restrict us, we may find ourselves living according to someone else’s
circumstances, beliefs and time in history, without considering what fits our
own lives today. 

A belief may have made sense in the circumstances in which
it developed. That does not mean it must guide every choice we make now. 

I think we need to give ourselves room to ask: Is this
something I believe, or something I have learned to accept? Does it reflect
what matters to me and the life I want to build? 

These questions can be difficult, especially when they
involve people we love or traditions we value. 

But I don’t think appreciation requires us to carry
everything forward unchanged. 

We can ask: “What do I want to preserve?” “What needs to
change?” “How do I want to live my life?” “What would I like the people who come after me to experience
differently?” 

Those questions give us a way to honour what has helped us
while making considered choices about how we live now.

This shows up at work too

The same patterns appear in workplaces.

Teams inherit habits, expectations and ways of doing things.
Over time, these become part of the culture, sometimes without anyone
consciously choosing them.

People may stop offering ideas because earlier suggestions
were dismissed. A leader may avoid difficult conversations because that is how
conflict has always been handled. A team may continue with a process because
nobody feels able to question it.

There is usually a history behind these behaviours.
Understanding that history helps us make sense of them. 

Then we need to consider what is happening today. 

Is this approach still helping us? What effect is it having
on people? What could we change, and who has the authority to change it?

In a workplace, responsibility belongs to more than the
individual. Leaders need to consider whether people have the support, resources
and authority to do what is being asked of them.

If we want people to take initiative, we need to pay
attention to what happens when they do. 

What happens after reflection?

I value reflection. I also believe it needs to lead
somewhere.

We can spend a long time understanding why we do something
and still find ourselves doing it again.

Changing a familiar pattern often takes practice. It might
begin with one honest conversation, one question we would usually keep to
ourselves or one decision to ask for support.

The action may seem small, but it gives us something
concrete to learn from.

Perhaps the conversation goes better than we expected.
Perhaps it is difficult and we realise we need a different approach. Perhaps we
discover that the change we want will take longer than we hoped.

We cannot guarantee the outcome before we begin.

We can choose a considered step, reflect on what happens and
decide what comes next.

Why this matters to me

This belief is part of how I think about living, and it
shapes my purpose as a coach.

I want to make room for people to reflect honestly on their
experiences, see things from a different perspective and recognise
possibilities they may have overlooked.

Sometimes that means questioning a belief. Sometimes it
means recognising a strength. Sometimes it means finding the courage to act or
accepting that support is needed.

I don’t believe we need to dismiss our past to grow.
Understanding it may be part of how we move forward.

But I do believe we can remain curious about who we are
becoming.

We can appreciate what we have been given, acknowledge what
has been difficult and make choices about what we carry into the future.

Perhaps a useful place to begin is with this question:

What have I come to believe about myself that I am ready
to look at again?